I always suspected that I had ADHD since I was younger. It wasn’t until after DreamCon 2023 that I decided to get myself checked out.
Prior to having the right medication, the diagnosis, and countless techniques that I continue to break and try again, it felt like there was static in my head constantly. I couldn’t hear anything anyone had to say until I had to ask them three or four times. It was hard to pay attention as well.
When I tell people I have ADHD, they automatically assume I’m the kind of person to bounce off the walls and very hyperactive. I hate to break it to everyone, but mine is different. The type I have is the inattentive type. Every time I would have a conversation with someone, I would zone out. It wasn’t on purpose either. Even going to do a simple task, I would catch myself zoning in and out and trying to break free, but resistance is futile.
Even worse part: my work ended up being affected. I’d show up to work late because I would zone out for an hour, even with me waking up early and getting myself ready for work. I have and continue to have no sense of time at all. Tasks were and still are difficult to event execute, especially the ones that were the most minute. It’s truly exhausting, and I really don’t wish this on my enemies one bit.
But now, after nearly two years and several different medicine combinations, I would say that I’m pretty stable(ish). The problem that I’m facing now is the guilt from not being productive. Sure, I face this a lot at work, but it’s especially prevalent in my own personal projects. I would start something, go and get ready to post, get demotivated, then go on a depression streak. Rinse and repeat.
I was even beginning to feel awful because I was not productive and even started to loathe the word “consistent” (I still do, by the way). I work a lot on spur of the moment waves depending on my energy level of the day.
A lot of the time, I was up for making something, and I don’t even want to edit it because I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything. Because of this, I started to compare myself to other creators. I ended up drowning in my lack of productivity and anxiety to post.
The question for right now is: “Now that I’m climbing to the surface again, what’s next?”
The answer: I don’t know.
Who knows if I fall into the deep end because I have such an inconsistent mood and productivity cycle? Who knows if I thrive despite my shortcomings?
The most important part of it all is to leave yourself room to grieve and feel out your feelings. It’s okay to be sad and frustrated over what things could be. Even if things go wrong and you have to start over and over and over again, always make the time to grieve to make the right path to move forward for you.
Now in 2025, I will make the space for me to grieve when I need to and also make the space to create for myself. With all the algorithmic issues and the potential mass exodus from TikTok on January 19th for the US, I think it’s very important for creators such as myself to process and come back when we are ready.
-Elly
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